Doing it for her (and for revenge).
I keep thinking about future “me”, and I realised that I’m creating her. She’s a child in an abstract sense, even though she’ll be older than me and she’s me in the future. In a way she’s also younger than I am right now in that she’ll have less life to live than I have. It’s a bit odd to consider when I frame it like that, but I think that I need to start seeing my future self as somebody that I’m creating, I guess like a child, and embracing the responsibility that comes with that.
She can’t create herself, she is only a product of all the things that I do in the present, including all the bad choices that I make. If I don’t make the decision to improve her life for her then nothing will get better, and I have come to understand that she doesn’t make the choices in this situation - I do.
That’s a really difficult thing to conceptualise because I’m so used to living in the here and now, which is typically the advice given when trying to promote best practices for mental health; trying not to live in the future or the past, but staying grounded in the present. However, I think there has to be some measure of living in the future - or living for the future - because that will be a protective factor for ensuring that it is the best one it can be. Sure, it’s important not to get swept up in planning and in forgetting to enjoy the present. But what I’ve realised is if I can put in a bit of effort now, planting seeds and planning systems, then future me will be able to have that enjoyment of the present.
I think this is one of the many milestones you meet as someone ageing out of “youth” and into “adult life”; the idea that responsibility looks like long-term goals and well designed systems and patience. It’s not easy, quick wins. Being really at peace with that, knowing it deeply, and converging on this axis is weird and new for me. I think I like it, though it doesn’t play well with many other parts of my personality. I wonder what it’ll look like when I’m fully integrated with myself. I look forward to that day.
So, I think there’s quite a lot of value in thinking about the future and not being scared of it. Protecting my future person, and setting the wheels in motion to create the life that I want is going to impact her in the long run. I guess it’s like planting a garden, in that way, having hope for a future that I may not see. If I don’t then no one will. She certainly can’t change the past, but I can change it for her.
And quietly, in reckless and ashamed honesty, I want to have the glow up. You know, the “revenge” glow up. I often read in social spaces words to the effect of, “if, after the breakup, her life becomes better in all areas then you know you were the problem.” I seem to be determined to manifest this energy. I don’t have to try very hard, I feel like it’s already happened in so many areas - financially, emotionally, peacefully, and physically. I’m hungry to ride this wave, to prove to myself more than anyone else that it wasn’t me holding myself back for all that time. I’m not entirely sure this is healthy, but I really have to do it. For me, and for her.
Anyway I really hope 2026 is a calmer, less transformative year because ya girl needs a break.