The after-after-math
I really like Kurzgesagt - In A Nutshell videos. I love how they present academic research in accessible and interesting ways, and recently I watched one that they published about beauty. Enjoying beautiful spaces, they assert, has a profound impact on our well-being, and they also say that within the last decades more and more studies have shown that having aesthetically pleasing surroundings can improve our well being, behaviour, cognitive function, and mood.
The break-up has been slow, careful, measured and respectful. While itās been transitional, and therefore challenging, itās given me a lot of hope for a future that can be more richly and intentionally beautiful. It would be easy to think that perhaps I could have brought my partner in on this journey, and improved the space for both of us. The trouble is that his lifestyle was, and is, always a thorough impediment to this goal, because he is a messy person by nature. We tried for years to help him see the value in changing this, to develop habits and routines that might empower him to relinquish his preference for disorder and chaos. Sadly, it never quite managed to stick. I never made him feel sad about this, but it eroded my love for and willingness to nest in our home. Eventually this put a huge rift between us where all the other, smaller issues collected in piles - which eventually turned into mountains.
I used to think that my proclivity for aesthetic cosiness made me a challenging housemate and partner, and that it was likely a moral failing on my part (or perhaps a manifestation of my AuDHD) which made me place such importance and value on the way my space looked and felt (and smelled!) Itās true that maintaining a space to look and feel cosiTM and #comforting is a lot of effort (at-least, it can be without systems in place), and for a while I tried to carry the opinion and behavior that, āWell, if it matters so much to me then I should be responsible for doing the work.ā
I now know that not only is that completely unsustainable, and the death of trust and a feeling of mutual care in any relationship, but itās also complete and utter bullshit.
Iām not saying that my partner gaslit me into thinking this way, I came to these conclusions all on my own. However, I will admit that in part it was a survival tactic. I need this, and he isnāt going to support me in it, so I am just going to do it by myself. Which, anyone with any understanding of how people are and how these things tend to go, ended in gentle resentment and frustration especially when his lack of interest resulted in him actively messing up areas that I had made special.
I can see how it was unfair that I was trying to cultivate my space, at the expense of him having his comfort spaces and living his life on his terms. But it really did become him or me in the end, and his unwillingness to come to the table meant that he chose him. For a long time I sat with that, and opted to choose him as well by being ok with it, and choosing to make little corners that could be just for me. But in the end, I had to choose me, too.
And when two people in a partnership both choose themselves, then thatās the end of the agreement.
There was no real breaking point. I just came, slowly, to the realisation that Kurzgesagt is absolutely onto something. My desire - no, my need for a cosy and comfortable space is not just me being pedantic. It runs deeper than that. It reflects my very human quest for happiness and joy, and trying to manifest it in my home.
We donāt have much control of most of our lives, really. But we absolutely can decorate a home to be an outward manifestation of self-care, and a comforting companion for us at the end of the day. Iām trying to improve my well being, behaviour, cognitive function, and mood as a primary directive of my day to day actions. If having a clean space can go as far as science says it can toward helping that, when I have so many other (health related) barriers in my way, then being loyal to myself looks like chasing those opportunities down.
Being in a relationship with someone who canāt or wonāt support that, and inadvertently canāt or wonāt support themselves, isnāt a relationship at all. It is a betrayal.
Not to be dramatic, but I think I deserve better. And so does he.